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thank you all for your kind responses to my last post. it is so encouraging to know that most of us undergo some form of self-doubt or crisis & are able to come together to share our experiences. i wish we could all sit down for coffee & really talk it out. thanks, everyone!
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i feel so much lighter here, in our new home. i am experiencing a balance that i have longed for & missed this past year. i believe that i handled that season of darkness as best i could, finding contentment in the little joys of my life but opening up regularly to share the hard parts, too. i do believe, though, that the season of darkness has passed for now & i can truly enjoy each day.
we are currently house sitting for good friends until the end of july with another friend, susan. we have a few necessities with us- clothes, food, striped red & white straws, our plants, the animals – but we are enjoying the lightness of our days away from our belongings. the rest is packed into a storage unit until next month.
i miss luke so much when he is gone, finding an empty place in our bed some nights with only quiet at the end of the day as i read a book beneath the covers. when he is here, though, we make the most of every minute, canning cucumbers into pickles, biking to the farmers’ market, preparing elaborate meals for dinner guests, talking about podcasts & favorite books. it’s nice, this lightness.
i am also finding that my days feel a little more balanced. there is a hill near our house that overlooks the city & we have been taking walks up there with the dogs regularly. the hottest summer days are here, but we are sipping on homemade lavender sodas & iced coffee. i am reading pages instead of screens (enjoying no one is here except all of us by ramona ausubel). writing & creating, too. waking up early to water the plants & talk to the chickens. spending time with family & planning weekend trips. enjoying sno-cones & fresh caprese salads. yes, this lighter me feels so good.
thanks for reading, friends.
love,
natalie
good morning, friends! today’s post marks no. 300. thanks for sticking around for it all; i am so incredibly thankful for this creative outlet.
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earlier this week i experienced a sort-of self crisis– one that leaves you a little uncomfortable & ultimately humbled by the fact that you’ve still got lots to learn.
i have found that i have the tendency to put myself in a little box, one that i have created & enforce. i was standing in the beauty isle at target in search of some beauty essentials- blush, mascara, concealer. while standing in said beauty isle, i felt guilty about not being able to afford natural make-up from the local health food store. in addition, as the girl with the women’s & gender studies degree, i ignored my years of study & instead felt dissatisfied with my outer appearance, wishing i looked like the cardboard cut-out of cute zooey deschanel plastered in front of me. if that weren’t enough to sort through as i stood debating in target, i asked myself if these items were really “essentials” & if it would be better to make my own beet blush & go without mascara & concealer, flaunting my natural self. i ultimately decided to make my purchases with the justification that i am moving in three days & don’t have the bit of extra time to carve out a beet blush making session.
i wanted to share this with you because i hope that i’m not alone. soon after, i called luke & explained my dilemma & my new-found i-stick-myself-in-a-box realization. i confessed that i worry about others having doubt about my ability to work hard in the garden or at the farm when i’m sporting bright orange nail polish. i admitted to feeling like two people, one who wants to homestead & the other who worries about the perfect shade of peach blush at the store.
he reminded me that i’m a complex person- a living being with various interests, talents, strengths & weaknesses. he admitted to feeling similarly about his choice of clothing & outer appearance, too. i honestly believe this is a struggle of most privileged individuals. we all hope we are that really interesting, incredibly individualized & unique person with a perfect set of morals, beliefs, & interests that are consistent. although i hope to someday feel a little more comfortable in my own skin, i want to seek out & take hold of my ever-changing & complex self.
so, today i admit-
i love nail polish. really bright & sometimes sparkly colors on my toes & fingers.
i am a backyard gardener. i hope to one day look out my back porch & see a farm. i hope to chip a whole lot of nail polish doing the work of my hands in the soil.
maybe this rings a bell…
love,
natalie
