June 28, 2012

good morning, friends! today’s post marks no. 300. thanks for sticking around for it all; i am so incredibly thankful for this creative outlet.

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earlier this week i experienced a sort-of self crisis– one that leaves you a little uncomfortable & ultimately humbled by the fact that you’ve still got lots to learn.

i have found that i have the tendency to put myself in a little box, one that i have created & enforce. i was standing in the beauty isle at target in search of some beauty essentials- blush, mascara, concealer. while standing in said beauty isle, i felt guilty about not being able to afford natural make-up from the local health food store. in addition, as the girl with the women’s & gender studies degree, i ignored my years of study & instead felt dissatisfied with my outer appearance, wishing i looked like the cardboard cut-out of cute zooey deschanel plastered in front of me. if that weren’t enough to sort through as i stood debating in target, i asked myself if these items were really “essentials” & if it would be better to make my own beet blush & go without mascara & concealer, flaunting my natural self. i ultimately decided to make my purchases with the justification that i am moving in three days & don’t have the bit of extra time to carve out a beet blush making session.

i wanted to share this with you because i hope that i’m not alone. soon after, i called luke & explained my dilemma & my new-found i-stick-myself-in-a-box realization. i confessed that i worry about others having doubt about my ability to work hard in the garden or at the farm when i’m sporting bright orange nail polish. i admitted to feeling like two people, one who wants to homestead & the other who worries about the perfect shade of peach blush at the store.

he reminded me that i’m a complex person- a living being with various interests, talents, strengths & weaknesses. he admitted to feeling similarly about his choice of clothing & outer appearance, too. i honestly believe this is a struggle of most privileged individuals. we all hope we are that really interesting, incredibly individualized & unique person with a perfect set of morals, beliefs, & interests that are consistent. although i hope to someday feel a little more comfortable in my own skin, i want to seek out & take hold of my ever-changing & complex self.

so, today i admit-
i love nail polish. really bright & sometimes sparkly colors on my toes & fingers.
i am a backyard gardener. i hope to one day look out my back porch & see a farm. i hope to chip a whole lot of nail polish doing the work of my hands in the soil.

maybe this rings a bell…